Interview 3 - Pouting Thomas

Thomas Bates, aka Stavros, aka that greasy one in the Lycra, is my loyal flatmate. With his penchant for all things 80's and kitsch and his cheeky middle-class, privately-educated Essex charm, Master Bates is all things to all men…in fact he’ll be whatever you want him to be for a £29.99 flat fee.







Thomas - the whitest set of teeth i've ever come across ;)

Because I live with Thomas, we decide to meet on our couch and perform the interview by laptop. We sit approximately 6 inches apart but still have problems with tangled leg hairs. We realise clothes might be the answer.

OhDave - Hello Thom; do you mind if I call you Thom? I’m just not sure I can bring myself to drop the ‘h’ in such distinguished company. How does is feel to be the magic number on the interview circuit? All good things come in threes I say…unless she’s counting in minutes.

Stavros - Well David old chum, you say that, but I must confess that my third “encounter” was less than eventful – a long night in the midlands sampling various brews and ales was less than conducive to the production of an awe-inspiring performance, if you catch my drift….but no, really, it is a real honour to be counted among people of such distinction. I hope I can do the previous interviewees proud.

Sadly this interview will be a bitter disappointment compared to the previous ones as Thomas is neither tall or a woman.

OhDave - Do you like the name Stavros?

Stavros - I’m tempted to say “very much so”, but that would be a lie. I’m content with it. It did however ease my rise to celebrity status in and around the West Midlands.





Stavros - even better known in Sutton Coldfield than Noddy Holder

OhDave - Might I ask where you get your healthy Kilroy-Silk glow and generous Connery body hair from?

Stavros - To be tarred with the brush of Kilroy is a guilty pleasure I must confess; despite his political sways you can’t help but be taken in by the smothering charm of the silken-haired Nazi…if I look that good at 50 I’ll be a happy fascist. As regards the bodily plumage, you will understand the bittersweet curse of “gorilla chest” and similar conditions. While my father’s legacy may keep me warm in the winter, some ladies would appear to have a particular aversion to such follically rich bodies, and this has had serious effects in the past. I refer you of course to the famous legal case of Regina v Kong for the details.

Hair - Practical and sexy?

OhDave - As you suggest in that response, you are currently studying the ancient magical teachings of common agricultural reform law, 1756-57 in order to become a crime busting machine. Are you looking forward to the day you can put most of our pikey neighbours in the chair?

Stavros - That I am, there’s nothing I hate more these days than the Great British public. Some people would have you believe that they pursue a legal occupation in order to help the little guy, however I plan to judge my future success by how many little guys I can put away in my first year.

I don’t really agree with Thomas' liberal leftie views but I appreciate that his blood lust will only grow with time.

OhDave - I hear you also enjoy a game of poker like myself…any innuendos you would like to share?

Stavros - It’s better to have a/be straight than two of a kind…wise words indeed.

OhDave - I would also have accepted "Why yes I do like to poke-her" and any double entendres utlising the word flush. Sadly you were most unfortunately discarded by your girlfriend just after she consumed some of the same dated Parma ham which my ex seems to have purchsed which led to their massive psychological breakdowns and ultimately insane decisions. Is there anything in particular you miss about having a warm lumpy carcass in bed?

Stavros - Having tried to fill the void in my slumber-yard with pillows, dreams, horses’ heads and jumbo bags of basmati rice, I can honestly say that sleeping alongside your beloved is an experience unrivalled by mere groceries. In all fairness to the lass, she’s missing out…my new, triathlon-sculpted body is the stuff of legend London-wide – she’ll be back.




Vegetables – poor replacement bed fellows





OhDave - If you could choose one song, one film, one TV show, one cartoon, one politician, one domestic household cleaning product and one item of underwear from the 80s, what would you choose?

Stavros - (I Just Died) In Your Arms Tonight – Cutting Crew; Back to The Future; Mysterious Cities of Gold; Neil “I’m such a big ginger” Kinnock; Ajax; the Y-front.

Please form your own opinion about Thomas

OhDave - What did you think of the Iraqi information minister?

Stavros - I think he could have had a very successful career on the stand-up comedy circuit. He struck me as an eclectic mix of Jack Dee, with a splash of Freddie Starr: serious, yet ridiculous. I can imagine he’d be quite good fun down the pub. Althouh as he said: "Bush, Blair and Rumsfeld. They are the funny trio"

OhDave - What a relevant and amusing quotation Thomas, I commend you. I imagine he would be great craic down the drink tank but you would hope he didn’t feel the need to light up.

The smoking ban - A good thing when you’re drinking with an Iraqi minister

OhDave - So T-meister, was Santa good to you?

Stavros - Santa and I have drifted apart in recent years, we barely speak any more, he never replies to my letters…it’s sad. I was however the lucky recipient of a very nice CPU heatsink for my PC…and I’ve just realised how tragic that is…I got some Lee Evans DVDs too from the ex-lady in my life (by which I don’t mean to imply that she is no longer a lady, rather she’s no longer the lady in my life).

OhDave - Well, you say that, but who’s to know if she’s not really just one of those fellows who likes to eat, drink and be Mary? On the subject of the old meat and two veg, what is your favourite food group?

Stavros - Red: beef, tomatoes, beef tomatoes, rhubard, cranberry sauce. Mmmmm, red….

OhDave - I think by the sound of it you need to go on that new rainbow diet. No reds after 10 or mixing pink and greens. Luckiy there are healthier options: MacDonald’s or Burger King – Discuss

Stavros - Ah, the eternal dilemma. On the one hand you have the security and relative inexpense of a McDonald’s double cheeseburger for 99p, whereas the Whopper, despite it’s price-tag, is the much better option health-wise. The flame-grillage method of burger preparation favoured by BK results in a beef patty that resembles rubber-latex much less that the equivalent McDonald’s effort. But then you’ve got fries to consider…I’d have to give that round to Maccy D’s for the sheer sodium factor if nothing else. If I had to make a decision, and it appears that I do, I would plump for Burger King. I do love a Double Whopper with cheese.

OhDave - Such contemplation pleases me. If you weren’t an Essex pikey where would you like to inhabit, aside from a hole in the ground?

Stavros - Honestly Dave, you do persist with these hypothetical questions: how could anyone want to move away from Essex?! I would like to go and live in Miami for a while I think. I’ve seen many an episode of Miami Vice and, although it was made 20 years ago, I’d do anything to live that lifestyle. A boat, a nice condo, lots of bling, pastel suits and chest hair…now that’s living.

OhDave - Would you therefore prefer to be stinking rich, so rich you could afford an operation to remove the stink, or famous, so famous that even an amoeba and his single celled chums would sludge their way to the newsagents to purchase the latest HELLO?

Wealthy. Wealthy beyond my wildest dreams. You see, if you’re filthy rich, you can pursue and achieve fame relatively easily. One needs only to cast a glance in the direction of Paris Hilton and her Hollywood contemporaries to see evidence thereof. But if you are merely famous, for example, like Jeremy Clarkson; while you may bring in a fair wage and not live in a sqaulid bedsit above a kebab shop in the East End, you won’t necessarily have an endless supply of moolah. Eventually the fame will disappear (Rik Astley?) and you won’t even have a big pile of cash to comfort you as you wait for death to end the misery.

Thomas - likes to stink

OhDave - Thom, as you know, I am a world-class rugby player, and as such I recognise the potential you once had to maybe play for Old, Old Oldonians’ third team. You have however chosen a sport which fat girls in skirts and lesbians play. Might I inquire as to why?

Stavros - I believe you are making reference to my return to the hockey pitch, that is, unless you know anybody who saw what I was up to last night…As you rightly point out I was once a rugger-bugger of undeniable caliber but alas my career was brought to an untimely end. Whilst walking home from training along the street one day in the badlands of Essex, I was a witness to a little old lady being mugged. After delivering some basic first aid to the old dear (reattaching her shoulder and the like) I commandeered the bike of a passing motorcyclist and pursued the bandits at great risk to my own safety. Unfortunately, before I was able to dispatch the entire gang of thugs, a sniper who had been perched in a nearby elm tree dropped me with a shot to the kneecap. I used a piece of discarded chocolate wrapper as a temporary patella and managed to struggle bravely to my safety. I never played rugby again, and at least with hockey I get to carry a big stick.

Thomas - Used to be a damn good bugger

OhDave - I see…Do you hope to use your legal super powers for the good of humanity also?

Stavros - I shall say only this: screw the little guy, he doesn’t pay my wages. It is not for me to judge good and bad, but merely to fight for one of them.

OhDave - If you weren’t studying law what would you be doing?

Stavros - In reality I’d probably be following the standard University of Warwick Rugby Club graduate career of finance in the City, living in Clapham and generally refusing to realise that university had ended. As it is, I’ve become a bit of a dullard thanks to my legal leanings – albeit one that is all too aware that with every passing day, Death’s sinewy hand creeps ever closer to touching me.








Death - Bit too tactile?

OhDave - Cheery… so if you could go for a pint with three (not two or one, but three, being one higher than two and one less than four and the sum total of one plus two) people from any time, place or perverted fantasy, who would you choose?

Stavros - Hmmmm, let’s see: person from another time would have to be Jesus, if only to ask the following question “Come on, J, mate, are you having us all on or what?” Someone from another place would certainly be Jackie Chan, what an absolute hero. As for someone from a perverted fantasy: Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II

OhDave - Mmmm…aging royalty. On that note would you like to say anything disparaging about my ex-girlfriend?

Stavros - What a slag.

OhDave - Thank you for your kind words, I have tried to drown my relationship problems on numerous occasions since but she just floats.

OhDave - I know you hate books, and with good reasons: they put those weird things in your head – ‘thoughts’ I believe they are called by the chattering classes. However if you were stranded on a desert island with no music, tv, beer, naked people, travel scrabble, or ‘little people’ to keep you amused, what book would you take?

Stavros - The August 1993 edition of the Radio Times. It would allow me to reminisce about vintage television, and as I recall contained a fascinating article of the life and times of Noel Edmonds.

OhDave - What is your favourite season?

Stavros - Vinegar

Thomas' sniggering iritates me so I poke him in the eye. It has the desired effect

Stavros - No, my favourite time of year is definitely winter – you get to ski, mull wine, take frosty evening walks in London with hot chicks. I like it.

OhDave - “You get to…mull wine”? I guess that’s some form of mediative drinking process. Have you ever tried writing with your left hand?

Stavros - Being a twenty-first century kind of guy, I am typing with my left hand right now.

I gently remove the T-bird’s right hand from my leg and smile platonically.

OhDave - What do you feel are my particular strengths? Is it my charm or my musky smell which you look forward to with tingling anticipation on your way home?

Stavros - Musk is certainly a word that springs to mind when I think of you. I would however have to confess that your biggest asset is your premature baldness. From what I’ve heard from ladies the world over, a nicely polished dome on a young man is something of a turn-on: it gives them a sense of security. You need only to look at the esteemed list of bald-headed heroes to prove this: Bruce Willis, Nicholas Cage, Jim Bowen – the list is endless.




Even big Mel is getting in on the act

OhDave - If you could drive any vehicle in the world what would it be?

Stavros - A rocket-powered unicycle sounds like it could have potential…






One wheel - better than two

OhDave - We both have a slight problem with sleeping…in that we don’t tend to, unless there really is nothing to watch after VH1 Classic’s 3am sign language hour. Do you think this is a negative thing or are we actually the enlightened ones?

Stavros - I think you may have hit the nail on the head there old chum, I mean who else can say they’ve seen a portly middle-aged woman signing to “Fitty” Cent’s urban flavas? Sleep is for the weak, or failing that, for girls. Either way, it’s all about that sleep-deprived euphoria you can only get in the wee hours. I’m sure some of the world’s best discoveries must have been unveiled in similar gloomy circumstances, not least of all the lightbulb.

OhDave - True, are we spooning tonight?

Stavros - Is the Pope catholic?

OhDave - Thanks for your time Thom

Stavros - Thanks Ohdave

We turn on the Tv just in time for World's wildest police horses. We remove our clothes.


If you would like to give Thomas a quid or two so he can dress in lycra for sick people or summit please visit:

http://www.justgiving.com/gostavrosgo