Interview 1 - Tall Paul

Paul is a nice gentleman I work with. He’s 25, chocolate brown and very tall. In fact I brought along a homemade telephone constructed from two tins and 9 foot of string for the interview. He runs global pharmaceutical conferences and makes more money than me.






Tall Paul - Phantom of the office


I met Paul at his house in Surrey. He wore a lime green sweater and was rolling pastry when I arrived. He picked me up and placed me on one of his giant sofas.

OHDAVE – Hello there Paul. Thank you for allowing me to interview you.

PAUL – Hello OhDave. I wasn't expecting you today but marvellous to see you. Welcome to my humble abode. I mean our humble abode. I have a cat you know!

OHDAVE – Oh yes, where is it...? You have a lovely house.

PAUL – Oh! Why thank you. Notice how the floorboards have been expertly sanded and varnished. Notice also the original artwork on the walls. This painting here is of a tall mouse.

OHDAVE – Of course....How long have you lived here?

PAUL – I've lived in Surbiton for about 3 years after moving from Chester. Never forget your roots, that’s what I say!

OHDAVE – How often do you say that?

PAUL – Never now you mention it. How strange...

OHDAVE – How do you feel about being the first person immortalised here?

PAUL – Honoured. Really. Indeed, I believe that my recognition and remembrance in life will stem from this very interview. As the person who helped kick-start the famous 'Ohdave meets' series of interviews, magazines, books, audio tapes and now (coming to a cinema near you) the movie.

OHDAVE – Don’t forget the x-rated mouse-mats.

OHDAVE- So how are you today?

PAUL– Fine, fine, recovering from a bug. I had a glass of wine at lunch. All in all it's good, I can’t complain.


Paul - Possible alcoholic?







OHDAVE – Paul, I couldn’t help noticing that you’re darker than me yet lighter than a lump of coal. What’s your ethnic background?

PAUL – I’ve always had a complex since my aunt described me as a 'mouldy cheese' colour. It’s Weird! Think Jamaican, Chinese, English and Irish. Stick in a big cauldron and shout the magic word 'GIVEMEATOSSER' and hey presto, out comes Paul.

OHDAVE – I didn’t know you were interested in the occult. So you’re an Irish brother who enjoys his fireworks. What did you think of the Iraqi information minister?

PAUL – Now HE was comedy. I wish I could get to a position of authority by talking total bollocks…

Paul keeps talking oblivious to the shocked look of irony on my face

PAUL – "They're not even within 100 miles of Baghdad. They are not in any place. They hold no place in Iraq. This is an illusion”

OHDAVE – You clearly rate him highly and very impressive of you to quote him from memory like that. So about this cat?

At this point Paul’s eyes dart left and right rapidly and he runs out of the room. A feint meowing can be heard. Paul returns and offers me a kebab. I thank him kindly and remove the fur.

PAUL – She’s lovely, I got her from a cat shelter.



Paul’s cat shelter...?





OHDAVE – As an artiste, do you feel inspired in your job?

PAUL – Yes, without a doubt, sir. It is my comedy genius colleagues who really make it happen

OHDAVE - Is there anyone in particular you are referring to?

Paul scuffs his shoes together and giggles.

OHDAVE – Oookay…so do you have a girlfriend Paul? Or are you happy enough in yourself? Or are you, you know…a bit fruity?

PAUL – I quite like girls

OHDAVE – ….

PAUL - I would like to know how to talk to them though

OHDAVE – But you are very tall. Maybe they just can't hear you? Here, why not let them borrow this homemade telephone constructed from two tins and 9 foot of string

Paul doesn’t appear overly thrilled with his new designer earrings so I push on.

OHDAVE – What would you like to change about yourself?

Paul clicks his ballpoint pen annoyingly, takes a big sigh and finally settles on a wry smile

OHDAVE – Some would say that’s an unusual response

PAUL - Do you really want to hear it?

OHDAVE – Yes

PAUL – I would like to have a great body

PAUL – I would like to have time to spend on myself

PAUL – I would like to wear more interesting clothes

PAUL – I would like to be more in control of my day

PAUL – I would like to devote more time to being at home doing nothing

PAUL – I would like my dad to like me

PAUL – I would like to build a reliable network of friends and know that I didn't need any more

PAUL – I would like to be more confident in 'random' social situations which currently scare me to death

PAUL – I would like to run my own company

PAUL – I would like a place to call my own

PAUL – I would like to be able to relax without getting fidgety

At this point I become fidgety

OHDAVE – So Paul, I heard on the grapevine you were oop my neck of the woods on Friday?

PAUL – Aye, it's cold up north

OHDAVE – That’s because it's 'up'

PAUL – Aha, cunning, you northerners have more than just pretty faces

OHDAVE – Pretty faces eh? Did you meet anyone in Manchester ducky?

PAUL – Ah I remember ‘Ducky’ - when I was in Nottingham I couldn't escape the ducks




Paul - suffering from Anatidaephobia?







PAUL – Yes I was with a lovely lady called Maisie. She's a stunner and great fun. She's a high-powered lawyer who decided to quit it all 6 months ago and take a break and she's got a nice house in a trendy part of town

OHDAVE – With a garden?

PAUL – With a garden.

OHDAVE – And nice bushes?

PAUL – She keeps them in a very neat state, quite exquisite to the touch, you might say.

OHDAVE – You sicken me. So anyway Paul will you be buying the new Kate Bush album?



Kate Bush - Not George







PAUL – Yes, but only to gawp at the cover art and then probably donate to a Bush-lover.

OHDAVE – What type of music do you like?

PAUL – I like music which challenges genres and doesn't restrain itself by sticking to any particular style. Instead it takes the entire audio spectrum and a particular emotion (or range of emotions) as its objectives and goes for it.

OHDAVE – You mean like Bewitched? Their incredible blend of cheeky Irish charm and insightful lyrics in different languages really struck a part of my adolescent youth.

PAUL – Which part…?

OHDAVE – How would you spell “Yo whore” using the street vernacular for whore?

PAUL – Come here darling.

OHDAVE – I think you’re wrong. I believe it’s Yo Ho’. Your homies in Surrey will remain unimpressed

OHDAVE – If you could leave the world with one sentence of advice what would it be?

PAUL – Keep off the grass (written on my gravestone)

OHDAVE – How very droll. Finally Paul, how big an influence has Gary Lineker been on your life?

PAUL – None at all.



Lineker - Big influence







OHDAVE – Thank you Paul

PAUL – Thank you OhDave

If you would like to learn more about Paul or are from the RSPCA please click here
www.livejournal.com/users/xpablo

The Grand Unveiling

Cool,

After years of restraint and diverting my temptations onto everyone else with the usual geek jokes I’ve finally caved and joined the cyber fraternity. I know so many cool people with cool sites that I figured I might actually be wrong about this real world stuff.

Anyway, I’m interested to see if I can crack into the web clique and if people will think I’m cool and funny and almost attractive in the right kind of light…the sort of light which, well, isn't.

So, welcome to “Ohdave meets” humble web-rambler:

I have decided to interview everyone I know, and quite possibly those I don’t, through the almighty power of the ‘messenger’.

If you know me, or if you don’t, and you want to be interviewed and shamelessly plugged by the man the tabloids are already dubbing “The real Yorkshire Parky”, then drop me a comment.

Stay tuned for the first instalment and the usual ramblings which I imagine will permeate throughout. Good word ‘permeate’- reminds me of tea-bags.

Wahoo...I just popped my web-cherry

Now I’m going to publish this so I can sit back and survey my creation.