Interview 4 - Monkey Magic

Monkey Typist is a young lady whose acquaintance I have made on the interweb. After successfully stalking me for several months I finally agreed to interview her. The lesson here folks is if you really want something from someone pester and pester until their resistance, and will to live, finally dies. Being of apish persuasion the monkey requests the pleasure of my company at London Zoo for a Tea-party. When I arrive she is riding a tiny bicycle round the Chimp enclosure whilst playing a violin.





Monkey Typist - a talented fiddler









OhDave - Now, as weird humanoid chimp types go, I can see you are massively hot – however please offer the faithful readers some specifics about yourself. Preferably age, eye and hair colour, inside leg measurements, amount of alcohol it takes to loosen your reservations to ‘rough around the edges Yorkshire men’ – you know, the usual.

Monkey Typist - I am twenty three English years old, with brown-with-randomly-placed-and-black-outlined eyes, and dark brown fur. I mean…hair. Inside leg?? Probably freakishly short. I don’t know that I have any definite reservations about Yorkshire men in general, but am a fan of the alcohol so I’ll say lots because it’s as good an excuse as any.

OhDave - How do you feel about being on the Holy interview list?

Monkey Typist - I am beside myself with delight. I have grand plans that this will be only the beginning of my being interviewed career.

OhDave - Where were you born?

Monkey Typist - "I was born in the wagon of a travelling show."

The monkey breaks into song – leaving me little choice but to shave her and test cosmetic products





Test: Revlon shade 34 'Spiced Brandy'




OhDave - What’s your middle name?

Monkey Typist - I haven’t got one, if anyone has a spare, or even double barrelled name to spare, I would be exceedingly grateful.

OhDave – I’ve got a spare confirmation name lying around somewhere. I’ll have a look for you. So, how tall are you?

Monkey Typist - Five foot six, and a half inches- that half inch is of vital importance, or so I have been reliably informed by my private pogo stick manufacturer.

OhDave - Where do you preside now?

Monkey Typist - So far north I make Yorkshire men look positively not northern






Northern monkeys enjoy...humping snow






OhDave - Do you like the term “touché”

Monkey Typist - Yes, yes I do. It is much under used, I will endeavour to incorporate it into my fencing regime, with a flourish.

Monkey does a quick twirl, grabs a stick and performs a quick parry followed by a fleche. I point out how impressive that is considering she has no opposable thumbs. She instantly suffers an existential crisis and becomes unable to carry the stick. Touché

Monkey typist – I also like it without the accent, as when I was a small monkeylet, it was another word for ones lady bits.

OhDave – That is simply not something I needed to know. Do you like the similarly spelled, yet differently pronounced, “douche”?

Monkey Typist - I can’t say I have ever used this word, but I’ll try it out and let you know

“Judging by the aroma I’d say there’s a reason Monkey hasn’t heard of it”. I chuckle at my own pun before I realise my inner monologue was actually screamed out loud…through a megaphone…whilst banging a drum. Monkey seems unimpressed but a passing organ grinder distracts her attention

OhDave - You look remarkably young for someone who eats bugs. What is your secret? (Monkey placenta right?)

Monkey Typist - Eats bugs??? Who said I do?? They LIE. But I do look young, and am glad you agree - this will earn you several points. I am currently in the process of preserving myself from within, it is much like pickling, but with alcohol, because I don’t like vinegar. Also I often sit near some Oil of Ulay (its an old, pre ‘Olay’ bottle’)








Monkey - Self-preservation society






OhDave - What do you do for a living?

Monkey Typist – “I work hard, for the money, (so) hard for the”

I pull out my clippers…

Monkey Typist – ….ok, you get the point and I don’t particular need any more lipstick inserted into me. I work in a health food shop, with a lot of smiling and nodding, a sideline in extract of monkey placenta will of course bring me international acclaim in my slightly less young age.

OhDave – Work sucks…Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it still remains? Anyway, what’s your favourite country?

Monkey Typist - Burundi, it is near Tanzania and Zaire. I fully intend to have coffee with the president of said country some day.

OhDave - Congratulations on a most amusing Eddie Izzard reference. Here, have a slug. So, who is your role model?

Monkey Typist - Oh, everybody is, even you, mister ‘oh’. But I would have to say, currently, Bree from desperate housewives, since my friend, who knows about such matters, has decided I am in fact her, but with less murdering. And pearls! Cheap nasty Frankenfurter style pearls will soon be obtained, and then the transformation will be complete







Mmmm....cheap






OhDave - Talking of Bree, what’s your favourite kind of cheese? (linktastic that!)

Monkey Typist - Hmm, I’m not really a cheese person, I don’t like smelly cheese, runny, mouldy or strange cheese. Or Dairy lee. Let’s go with mozzarella.

OhDave – Ah cheese, the 5th primary food group, man I love cheese. So what was your least favourite kind of school dinner?

Monkey Typist - High school, I seem to remember the dinners were a bit scummy, I think I tried one once, I believe it was pizza, but it was long LONG ago.

OhDave – Ah, the old school canteen. The home of innocent conversation and blossoming culture...usually bacterial. Can I inquire as to what your opinion was/is of the Iraqi information minister?

Monkey Typist - Is he the bloke who makes things up? I don’t really know anything about him, but I don’t imagine he could be as entertaining as Col Gaddafi, with his stylish outfits, or Idi Amin (who I don’t know anything about either, but watched a film on channel five a while ago called ‘flight to/from somewhere’ and he was very camp, he reminded me of a young Ainsley Harriot)





'Hello Sailor'. Idi Amin - As camp as the boy scouts







OhDave - What is your favourite Airfix model?

Monkey Typist - Kate moss (rendered in actual moss, please)

OhDave – Most amusing, but you appear to have misunderstood the question you ignorant feminine type. Airfix models were what young boys used to colle…

Monkey Typist – Oh I see, excuse me. ‘Airfix models’. In which case I would have to choose the “Airfix 1/72 Bristol Bulldog IIa ii” painted in its original shade of number 10 grey.

OhDave – Will you marry me?

Monkey Typist – I’m sorry, what did you say? I was busy preparing you a bacon sandwich, organising a threesome and tweaking my 990cc KTM Super Duke.

By the time I come round, several hours have elapsed. The monkey appears to be rubbing herself against a tyre

OhDave - What is your most unusual hobby, aside from scratching your ass with a twig?

Monkey Typist - This will soon be my new favourite pastime: taking photos of the burning child warning diagrams on matchboxes

OhDave - Have you ever thought about taking your new hobby one step further and taking pictures of actual burning children?

Monkey Typist - I have considered it but they just won’t stay bloody still




Kids make great kindling





OhDave - What’s the most recent book you read, film you saw and amusing noise you heard on the tube

Monkey Typist - Wow. No idea… erm. Book…I read Lemony Snicket 5ish a few months ago. Film…at the cinema, Narnia.…haven’t been on the tube since last June but I’m sure I’d giggle from afar if someone did a big sneeze

OhDave – How ironic. The most unusual sound I last heard on the tube was actually a giggle. I think the lady who made it might have had mental problems. Naturally I informed the police.

OhDave - In three words describe the French

Monkey Typist - Beaucoup de sanges





Les sanges des défaite






OhDave - Which is your favourite decade?

Monkey Typist - The 1660’s

OhDave - If you could choose one song, one film, one TV show, one cartoon, one politician, one domestic household cleaning product and one item of underwear from aforementioned decade what would you choose?

Monkey Typist – ‘Samuel Pepys’ Diary – The edge of eyesight’ ‘London’s Burning’, ‘King Charles and the plague brigade’, Oliver Cromwell, ‘Cillit-goose-fat – Bang and your pox is gone’, and pantaloons.

OhDave - Would you like to say anything disparaging about my ex-girlfriend?




A photo of a blood sucking parasite





Monkey Typist - Ooh, can I?

OhDave – Yes you can

Monkey Typist - Well…I didn’t want to bring this up but it turns out the rumours about her and Messers Barry Stott of ‘Cillit Bang! Fame’, and the man from the “Arrrghh…is car insurance driving you crazy??’ Confused.com adverts” are true

OhDave – Well, if you’re going to lose out to someone, it might as well be the highest echelons of society. Did you ever experience/enjoy any of the following?

Tab

Monkey Typist - Yes! I don’t really like pop though. I hear you can still get it in America.

Candy Fags

Monkey Typist - Yes, they will soon be banned in gingerbread pubs.

Capri sun

Monkey Typist - I really wanted some the other day!! The shop next to mine sells them. I think I deserve one. Or seven, they’re like seven for a pound

Umbongo

Monkey Typist - I believe this is mostly drank (drunk?) in the Congo, but yes

Lemmings

Monkey Typist - The shop the other side of mine sells these. They have a three hour guarantee

The mysterious cities of Gold

Monkey Typist - Vaguely, yes. I remember there was a song


OhDave – Whoa, hold your horses there little miss Scratch N Sniff.

The monkey and I spend the next 10 hours watching every Cities of Gold DVD back to back. At the end, we shed a tear, hold hands and sing a moving rendition of “Children of the sun, your time has just begun…” followed by a quick nit grooming session at my request.

Push pops

Monkey Typist – I’m sorry? Oh right…we’re still doing this. I once won (I think) a colouring competition in my local newspaper and the prize was a massive bag of push pops, ring pops, yo street feet etc

Push up bras

Monkey Typist - Id hate to toot my own, tooty thing, but I don’t think I need one?

Pop tarts

Monkey Typist - I would l-o-v-e a pop tart, but am a herbivore. I can though, eat the apple ones. They taste like warm brown bread with fake appleness. I want FROSTED CHOCKLIT, dammit

The Spice girls

Monkey Typist - I do remember them- does that mean I wasn’t there?

Doc Martins

Monkey Typist – Is that the guy from Back to the Future? (Monkey's oringinal reply was deemed either far too dark or boring for public access - I forget which.)

OhDave – Close enough

Jesus

Monkey Typist – I don’t ‘know’ him, in the biblical sense

A home enema kit

Monkey Typist - If someone asking me if we sell them at work, and me pulling a face like this *pulls face*, counts as ‘enjoying’, then, yes.

OhDave - Describe your normal week day

Monkey Typist - Firstly I wake up assuming I am so very late for work and run through my list of excuses, these are mostly based around “but there was a bee!” then I press snooze for a while then wake up and debate getting ready in a ladylike fashion vs. rubbing old mascara on my face with a pre-licked finger. I then go to work and run around in the manner of Benny Hill’s nurse ladies. Some time later I return home, watch neighbours and relax with a jar of jam

OhDave - Describe your normal weekend

Monkey Typist - As weekdays but with marmalade

OhDave - Describe your average Shrove Tuesday

Monkey Typist - Given my recent egg phobia, it was much like any other Tuesday. But slightly shrovier.

OhDave - Did you ever meet Jane Goodall?

Monkey Typist - No. mostly because it took me a little while to realise I was confusing her with Jilly Gouldon. I’d rather meet the ‘born free’ lady

OhDave – I think she was eventually eaten by a lion

Monkey – Oh. Just Jilly Goulden then

OhDave - What particular brand of monkey are you? I adopted a capuchin monkey called Frosty from the monkey sanctuary in Cornwall. I’d like to know what he’s up to as when the renewal subscription came along I just didn’t feel my love was worth £29.99

Monkey Typist - Firstly let me clap my paws together for your good choice of monkey. I am part lemur (ring-tailed) and part spider monkey. I am thankful not to be a Bonobo monkey, because I just don’t have the time to make very special friends with all the other ‘nobos- including my own children!





Incest - It's not big and it's not clever, but it can be funny




OhDave - Is there a particular ape of note within your life?

Monkey Typist - Do you mean like, mismatched chromosome monkeys?? No, I hate all male things- this extends to refusing to say French words which are ‘male’ such as ‘le ch**se est sur le t*ble’ h-a-t-e! I may have mentioned this in the past, and am sure I will again.

OhDave – In that case, how do you feel about cross species breeding? Please choose from the following:

1. Are you really that shameless you sick &*%$^ son of a “£$”!”* pig sucking :@{%$# muncher?


2. I could be persuaded for a bag of nuts and a cute little hat


3. Sure, why not. You’re hairier than most of my kind anyway

Monkey Typist - You had me at ‘cute little hat’.

I give monkey a cute little red hat. We attempt to fornicate in the mud. It doesn't go that well.

OhDave - How many roads must a man walk down before you can call him a man, or, (as I suspect) do you think he’ll get bored after 3?

Monkey Typist - I have walked down many a road, yet almost no one calls me a man. But the guideline amount (I just completed a health and safety course) is seven.

OhDave - You mentioned that you live so far north you make me look like a poncey southern fairy cake. However I lived in the Shetland Isles for 2 years and I know for a fact there are no monkeys there; a few chromosome deficient Vikings but no genuine monkeys.





Shetland vikings - easy to mistake for apes




Monkey Typist - Are you sure it just didn’t feel like two years…? I think I’d like more Vikings in my life. I don’t really know what else to say in response to this, since I don’t think it was an actual question

OhDave – I think the question was – ‘Why Ohdave wins?’

OhDave - Do you have any pets?

Monkey Typist - No….not after…*stares into distance*….the incident…

OhDave - What sports do you enjoy?

Monkey Typist - Staring at things. Competitively.

OhDave - Can you swim? I only ask as I have an unusual theoretical leaning towards Sir Alister Hardy’s “Aquatic Ape Theory”, which as you will know yourself hypothesizes that humans went through an aquatic or semi-aquatic stage in our evolution, generally said to have occurred during the transition from the last common ancestor we shared with apes to hominids. I’d also like to know as I have a propensity to throw small furry creatures into water.

Monkey Typist - If I say yes will you still throw me in to be sure...??

OhDave - Yep. They say “If you left a hundred monkeys in front of a hundred typewriters for a hundred years eventually you'd manage to get the complete works of Shakespeare”. Are you game?

Monkey Typist - My good sir, that is the exact theorem behind ‘me’ and the monkey typist experience. Someone did say I talk a complete load of something or other, maybe they meant Shakespeare?






Rare likeness of The Bard (and great excuse to use this photo)






OhDave – How do you feel about giving ‘us’ a shot?

Monkey Typist – Have a shave and you’re on

OhDave – Don’t try to change me baby...

...Thank you for your time Monkey

Monkey Typist – No, no, thank YOU OhDave

I wave goodbye to the monkey, now sporting a splendid little red hat, sad in the knowledge ‘we’ could never be, but happy that her personal evolution is advancing so quickly. As I exit the enclosure I look back over my shoulder one final time. I see her tentatively tapping a few keys on her typewriter – I can just make out the title….‘The Da Vinci Code’. Sounds a bit shite to me.

If you would like to know more about this endangered species of monkey please visit the following link and feel free to donate/insert any cosmetic products you don't need.
http://waffley-versatile.blogspot.com/

Happy OhBirthday

If I was in Hell and I said "I am nursing the hangover from Hell" (bearing in mind Hell's Hell must be a rotten place indeed) and I combined that with the feeling of several fornicating elephants climaxing between both my temples and then set fire to my face and threw myself off Beachy Head you'd have an idea of how I feel this morning...

And why? Because today I am 24 years older than the day I was expunged into the world.

So the person who gives me the best cyber birthday pressie gets to rub my head while I chunder...Happy fecking days

I know I said I'd call but...

I'm so sorry it's been so long. Sweet Jesus, Mary, and the other chap, have I been busy! Anyway you'll be pleased to know I have another interview in the pipeline as soon as I get chance. In the meantime I received a lovely email today from a great guy and his daughter whom I met a couple of years ago in Thailand for Christmas. I've blanked all the names but it's such a bitter sweet mesage I felt compelled to share it. It simulataneously made me warm and fluffy and yet quite nostalgic and sad for the life I once led and the sad corporate whore I now am. Anyway, it's nice to know I touched someone once (without going to court):

"...and I hope your travel days are not over, and you have more planned. **** and I enjoyed your company immensely...I hope that the future brings us together again....You are a great guy Dave Thomas...you showed us what it's like to be a free spirit, without trying to do so, and how to live life to its fullest...I will write to you more in the future, and I do thank you for keeping in touch with me...take care of yourself, Dave...your friend *****"

A home baked rhubbarb crumble to whomever manages to leave the most convincing message persuading me that running industry conferences is still maintaining a free spirit

As the Irish fella said "Whale oil beef hooked"

I can't believe it...my ex girlfriend was just spotted swimming down the Thames

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/london/4631396.stm

Interview 3 - Pouting Thomas

Thomas Bates, aka Stavros, aka that greasy one in the Lycra, is my loyal flatmate. With his penchant for all things 80's and kitsch and his cheeky middle-class, privately-educated Essex charm, Master Bates is all things to all men…in fact he’ll be whatever you want him to be for a £29.99 flat fee.







Thomas - the whitest set of teeth i've ever come across ;)

Because I live with Thomas, we decide to meet on our couch and perform the interview by laptop. We sit approximately 6 inches apart but still have problems with tangled leg hairs. We realise clothes might be the answer.

OhDave - Hello Thom; do you mind if I call you Thom? I’m just not sure I can bring myself to drop the ‘h’ in such distinguished company. How does is feel to be the magic number on the interview circuit? All good things come in threes I say…unless she’s counting in minutes.

Stavros - Well David old chum, you say that, but I must confess that my third “encounter” was less than eventful – a long night in the midlands sampling various brews and ales was less than conducive to the production of an awe-inspiring performance, if you catch my drift….but no, really, it is a real honour to be counted among people of such distinction. I hope I can do the previous interviewees proud.

Sadly this interview will be a bitter disappointment compared to the previous ones as Thomas is neither tall or a woman.

OhDave - Do you like the name Stavros?

Stavros - I’m tempted to say “very much so”, but that would be a lie. I’m content with it. It did however ease my rise to celebrity status in and around the West Midlands.





Stavros - even better known in Sutton Coldfield than Noddy Holder

OhDave - Might I ask where you get your healthy Kilroy-Silk glow and generous Connery body hair from?

Stavros - To be tarred with the brush of Kilroy is a guilty pleasure I must confess; despite his political sways you can’t help but be taken in by the smothering charm of the silken-haired Nazi…if I look that good at 50 I’ll be a happy fascist. As regards the bodily plumage, you will understand the bittersweet curse of “gorilla chest” and similar conditions. While my father’s legacy may keep me warm in the winter, some ladies would appear to have a particular aversion to such follically rich bodies, and this has had serious effects in the past. I refer you of course to the famous legal case of Regina v Kong for the details.

Hair - Practical and sexy?

OhDave - As you suggest in that response, you are currently studying the ancient magical teachings of common agricultural reform law, 1756-57 in order to become a crime busting machine. Are you looking forward to the day you can put most of our pikey neighbours in the chair?

Stavros - That I am, there’s nothing I hate more these days than the Great British public. Some people would have you believe that they pursue a legal occupation in order to help the little guy, however I plan to judge my future success by how many little guys I can put away in my first year.

I don’t really agree with Thomas' liberal leftie views but I appreciate that his blood lust will only grow with time.

OhDave - I hear you also enjoy a game of poker like myself…any innuendos you would like to share?

Stavros - It’s better to have a/be straight than two of a kind…wise words indeed.

OhDave - I would also have accepted "Why yes I do like to poke-her" and any double entendres utlising the word flush. Sadly you were most unfortunately discarded by your girlfriend just after she consumed some of the same dated Parma ham which my ex seems to have purchsed which led to their massive psychological breakdowns and ultimately insane decisions. Is there anything in particular you miss about having a warm lumpy carcass in bed?

Stavros - Having tried to fill the void in my slumber-yard with pillows, dreams, horses’ heads and jumbo bags of basmati rice, I can honestly say that sleeping alongside your beloved is an experience unrivalled by mere groceries. In all fairness to the lass, she’s missing out…my new, triathlon-sculpted body is the stuff of legend London-wide – she’ll be back.




Vegetables – poor replacement bed fellows





OhDave - If you could choose one song, one film, one TV show, one cartoon, one politician, one domestic household cleaning product and one item of underwear from the 80s, what would you choose?

Stavros - (I Just Died) In Your Arms Tonight – Cutting Crew; Back to The Future; Mysterious Cities of Gold; Neil “I’m such a big ginger” Kinnock; Ajax; the Y-front.

Please form your own opinion about Thomas

OhDave - What did you think of the Iraqi information minister?

Stavros - I think he could have had a very successful career on the stand-up comedy circuit. He struck me as an eclectic mix of Jack Dee, with a splash of Freddie Starr: serious, yet ridiculous. I can imagine he’d be quite good fun down the pub. Althouh as he said: "Bush, Blair and Rumsfeld. They are the funny trio"

OhDave - What a relevant and amusing quotation Thomas, I commend you. I imagine he would be great craic down the drink tank but you would hope he didn’t feel the need to light up.

The smoking ban - A good thing when you’re drinking with an Iraqi minister

OhDave - So T-meister, was Santa good to you?

Stavros - Santa and I have drifted apart in recent years, we barely speak any more, he never replies to my letters…it’s sad. I was however the lucky recipient of a very nice CPU heatsink for my PC…and I’ve just realised how tragic that is…I got some Lee Evans DVDs too from the ex-lady in my life (by which I don’t mean to imply that she is no longer a lady, rather she’s no longer the lady in my life).

OhDave - Well, you say that, but who’s to know if she’s not really just one of those fellows who likes to eat, drink and be Mary? On the subject of the old meat and two veg, what is your favourite food group?

Stavros - Red: beef, tomatoes, beef tomatoes, rhubard, cranberry sauce. Mmmmm, red….

OhDave - I think by the sound of it you need to go on that new rainbow diet. No reds after 10 or mixing pink and greens. Luckiy there are healthier options: MacDonald’s or Burger King – Discuss

Stavros - Ah, the eternal dilemma. On the one hand you have the security and relative inexpense of a McDonald’s double cheeseburger for 99p, whereas the Whopper, despite it’s price-tag, is the much better option health-wise. The flame-grillage method of burger preparation favoured by BK results in a beef patty that resembles rubber-latex much less that the equivalent McDonald’s effort. But then you’ve got fries to consider…I’d have to give that round to Maccy D’s for the sheer sodium factor if nothing else. If I had to make a decision, and it appears that I do, I would plump for Burger King. I do love a Double Whopper with cheese.

OhDave - Such contemplation pleases me. If you weren’t an Essex pikey where would you like to inhabit, aside from a hole in the ground?

Stavros - Honestly Dave, you do persist with these hypothetical questions: how could anyone want to move away from Essex?! I would like to go and live in Miami for a while I think. I’ve seen many an episode of Miami Vice and, although it was made 20 years ago, I’d do anything to live that lifestyle. A boat, a nice condo, lots of bling, pastel suits and chest hair…now that’s living.

OhDave - Would you therefore prefer to be stinking rich, so rich you could afford an operation to remove the stink, or famous, so famous that even an amoeba and his single celled chums would sludge their way to the newsagents to purchase the latest HELLO?

Wealthy. Wealthy beyond my wildest dreams. You see, if you’re filthy rich, you can pursue and achieve fame relatively easily. One needs only to cast a glance in the direction of Paris Hilton and her Hollywood contemporaries to see evidence thereof. But if you are merely famous, for example, like Jeremy Clarkson; while you may bring in a fair wage and not live in a sqaulid bedsit above a kebab shop in the East End, you won’t necessarily have an endless supply of moolah. Eventually the fame will disappear (Rik Astley?) and you won’t even have a big pile of cash to comfort you as you wait for death to end the misery.

Thomas - likes to stink

OhDave - Thom, as you know, I am a world-class rugby player, and as such I recognise the potential you once had to maybe play for Old, Old Oldonians’ third team. You have however chosen a sport which fat girls in skirts and lesbians play. Might I inquire as to why?

Stavros - I believe you are making reference to my return to the hockey pitch, that is, unless you know anybody who saw what I was up to last night…As you rightly point out I was once a rugger-bugger of undeniable caliber but alas my career was brought to an untimely end. Whilst walking home from training along the street one day in the badlands of Essex, I was a witness to a little old lady being mugged. After delivering some basic first aid to the old dear (reattaching her shoulder and the like) I commandeered the bike of a passing motorcyclist and pursued the bandits at great risk to my own safety. Unfortunately, before I was able to dispatch the entire gang of thugs, a sniper who had been perched in a nearby elm tree dropped me with a shot to the kneecap. I used a piece of discarded chocolate wrapper as a temporary patella and managed to struggle bravely to my safety. I never played rugby again, and at least with hockey I get to carry a big stick.

Thomas - Used to be a damn good bugger

OhDave - I see…Do you hope to use your legal super powers for the good of humanity also?

Stavros - I shall say only this: screw the little guy, he doesn’t pay my wages. It is not for me to judge good and bad, but merely to fight for one of them.

OhDave - If you weren’t studying law what would you be doing?

Stavros - In reality I’d probably be following the standard University of Warwick Rugby Club graduate career of finance in the City, living in Clapham and generally refusing to realise that university had ended. As it is, I’ve become a bit of a dullard thanks to my legal leanings – albeit one that is all too aware that with every passing day, Death’s sinewy hand creeps ever closer to touching me.








Death - Bit too tactile?

OhDave - Cheery… so if you could go for a pint with three (not two or one, but three, being one higher than two and one less than four and the sum total of one plus two) people from any time, place or perverted fantasy, who would you choose?

Stavros - Hmmmm, let’s see: person from another time would have to be Jesus, if only to ask the following question “Come on, J, mate, are you having us all on or what?” Someone from another place would certainly be Jackie Chan, what an absolute hero. As for someone from a perverted fantasy: Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II

OhDave - Mmmm…aging royalty. On that note would you like to say anything disparaging about my ex-girlfriend?

Stavros - What a slag.

OhDave - Thank you for your kind words, I have tried to drown my relationship problems on numerous occasions since but she just floats.

OhDave - I know you hate books, and with good reasons: they put those weird things in your head – ‘thoughts’ I believe they are called by the chattering classes. However if you were stranded on a desert island with no music, tv, beer, naked people, travel scrabble, or ‘little people’ to keep you amused, what book would you take?

Stavros - The August 1993 edition of the Radio Times. It would allow me to reminisce about vintage television, and as I recall contained a fascinating article of the life and times of Noel Edmonds.

OhDave - What is your favourite season?

Stavros - Vinegar

Thomas' sniggering iritates me so I poke him in the eye. It has the desired effect

Stavros - No, my favourite time of year is definitely winter – you get to ski, mull wine, take frosty evening walks in London with hot chicks. I like it.

OhDave - “You get to…mull wine”? I guess that’s some form of mediative drinking process. Have you ever tried writing with your left hand?

Stavros - Being a twenty-first century kind of guy, I am typing with my left hand right now.

I gently remove the T-bird’s right hand from my leg and smile platonically.

OhDave - What do you feel are my particular strengths? Is it my charm or my musky smell which you look forward to with tingling anticipation on your way home?

Stavros - Musk is certainly a word that springs to mind when I think of you. I would however have to confess that your biggest asset is your premature baldness. From what I’ve heard from ladies the world over, a nicely polished dome on a young man is something of a turn-on: it gives them a sense of security. You need only to look at the esteemed list of bald-headed heroes to prove this: Bruce Willis, Nicholas Cage, Jim Bowen – the list is endless.




Even big Mel is getting in on the act

OhDave - If you could drive any vehicle in the world what would it be?

Stavros - A rocket-powered unicycle sounds like it could have potential…






One wheel - better than two

OhDave - We both have a slight problem with sleeping…in that we don’t tend to, unless there really is nothing to watch after VH1 Classic’s 3am sign language hour. Do you think this is a negative thing or are we actually the enlightened ones?

Stavros - I think you may have hit the nail on the head there old chum, I mean who else can say they’ve seen a portly middle-aged woman signing to “Fitty” Cent’s urban flavas? Sleep is for the weak, or failing that, for girls. Either way, it’s all about that sleep-deprived euphoria you can only get in the wee hours. I’m sure some of the world’s best discoveries must have been unveiled in similar gloomy circumstances, not least of all the lightbulb.

OhDave - True, are we spooning tonight?

Stavros - Is the Pope catholic?

OhDave - Thanks for your time Thom

Stavros - Thanks Ohdave

We turn on the Tv just in time for World's wildest police horses. We remove our clothes.


If you would like to give Thomas a quid or two so he can dress in lycra for sick people or summit please visit:

http://www.justgiving.com/gostavrosgo

A whimsical evening

OhDave and his magical pink suit took a little trip the other evening with some chums from work. Please follow the link to see the story in photographic brilliance as narrated by my good friend Tall Paul

THE MAGICAL MYSTERY TOUR

And remember pink linen is for life, not just for Christmas

Interview 2 - Michelle ma belle

Michelle is a rather attractive young lady I met in Brisbane when I was waiting tables. I served her coffee but I forgot her water. I did her a massive favour by upsetting the tedious gentleman she was with by flirting with her shamelessly. I received her email address and friendship ever since as reward. It's a hard job but someone has to do it.






Michelle - likes eating wood





I meet Michelle in Australia. The flight is quite long but I watch Muriel's Wedding twice and eat melon. I only have 12 minutes before my return flight so we meet at the airport.

OhDave - Hello Michelle, so wonderful to lovely to see you again. It's an honour to spend 24 hours developing blood clots and 40 minutes in the pawn shop with my mother's jewelry to interview you.

Michelle - You too, really nice of you to come. Did you have a nice flight?

OhDave - It was quite long but I watched Muriel's Wedding twice and ate melon. Here, have some.




My eyes are transfixed by the erotic way Michelle passes the melon over her lips.



OhDave - What's it like to be a very attractive woman?

Michelle - Life is lovely, I'm very fortunate.

OhDave - What are you currently doing with your life?

Michelle - Clipping countless number of bikinis onto hangers and using carefully selected words such as ‘flattering’, ‘slimming’ and anything else ending in ‘ing’ that satisfies my customers’ psychological needs. I also enjoy passing time severely under-using my potential and socialising with starving people.

OhDave - How about ‘Revealing?’ What would you like to be doing?

Michelle – I’m looking forward to getting back into Uni next year where I’ll be studying teaching, Ancient History and English, (and moving back to Brisbane). Hope to end up in the UK eventually, guiding high school kids towards a greater good. I would absolutely love to start life-coaching a bit later on in life.





Michelle - wants to inspire British kids




OhDave - As you may know, I’ve been to Australia before. It seems a bit smaller this time. What do you think are your country’s saving graces apart from Kylie?

Michelle - I nearly almost know all the words to our National Anthem now. Our Anthem is kinda cool.




Michelle - enjoys God Save the Queen



OhDave - Would you like to live in Europe and why?

Michelle - Most definitely. I'm romanced by snow and enchanted by old graveyards, churches, buildings. I know I will be lured there by its history, culture and depth.







Europe - Cultural





OhDave - What is it about British men that makes you moist?

Michelle - British men are at most times clever, smooth and sharp. British humour is fresh and intelligent. However I only know you.

OhDave - What is your obsession with the number 72?

Michelle - For me, seventy-two represents the perfect balance of masculinity and femininity. Sharp angular lines, softened by slight curves. Brilliantly Vogue.






72 - Curvy




OhDave - What music do you like?

Michelle - Ahh...music. My mind is constantly furnished with music.

I ask Michelle if she has heard of Ikea but she continues oblivious

...Favourite bands of mine are often those who express the things I cannot. I listen to songs when its vibe/lyrics align with my mood. Magical, dark, creative, edgy, angry, whatever. I usually prefer the alternative, the unusual. I love the eels, athlete, oasis, muse, the verve, placebo, coldplay, bloc party, epicure, jimmy eat world, more, a lot really.

OhDave - What was the last book you read?

Michelle - Non-Fiction: Mindgym -Octavius Black. Fiction: Valley of Secrets - Charmian Hussey

OhDave - What did you think of the Iraqi information minister?

Michelle - Ha! What a profound, great man: "They are not in Najaf. They are nowhere. They are on the moon. They are snakes in the desert..."

OhDave - I have been greatly impressed by the accurate quotations by my guests

OhDave - You may have noticed me looking at you in a strange way. I have it on good authority from a head doctor that this is because you are hot. Who or what made you look like you?

Michell - My ethnic background: Dad's side, British/Scottish. Mum's: Italian/Scottish. Keep in mind though, that Australians are usually so watered down into a new breed of nothingness. So basically, I'm Australian.





Michelle - Australian people are like Australian beer





OhDave - As you know I just came out of a serious relationship. Why do women suck?

Michelle - No man builds us houses or walks for days to see us anymore, we can get a little bitter.





Bob the builder - quite a catch




OhDave - Are you prepared to apologise on behalf of all women everywhere who ever callously hurt a man assuming that we have no emotions and therefore are completely immune to pain?

Michelle - No

OhDave - Oh...well then...I wasn't expecting that...er...What's your favourite kind of cheese?

Michelle - The verbal-cheese, encouraged by school photographers.

OhDave - In my last post I extolled the virtues of being a wolf: bad breath, a propensity to howl and a desire to chase rabbits. What animal would you like to be?

Michelle - A rabbit.

I sense an opportunity to drive the advantage home so I do my legendary rabbit impression by putting socks on my ears, bearing my front teeth and hopping round the lounge humping things. Security asks to see my passport but Michelle seems impressed.

OhDave - So, would you prefer to make it with me or a bucket of fish heads?

Michelle - To be honest, I'm not entirely sure what 'make it with me' means. But it sounds a lot better than the fish heads. I'd prefer tails. Even in a coin-toss.




OhDave - loves a good Result!





OhDave - Drive through Off-licenses - Discuss!

Michelle - That's two questions in a row I don't really understand...poor me, uneducated little convict.

I whisper in her ear, it's not about the drive-throughs but it feels nice.

Michelle - Oh you mean bottle shops? Well yeah they're cool. You mean to tell me that you don't have drive through bottle shops in the middle of London?

OhDave - No, it would be slightly cost prohibitive to pay the congestion charge just to get a 6 pack. Although I'm glad I don't have to take my passport out with me every time I go out. Your country is weird.

Michelle does something girly with her hair and I suddenly find myself wanting luxiourious smooth locks...note to self: Buy Pantene duty free.

OhDave - Brisbane is definitely more of a café culture than a pub one. I met you in a coffee bar on the very posh Park Road which even sports a miniature Eiffel Tower. What did you order, was it tasty and why didn't you tip me?

Michelle - I ordered an iced-something. And I bought no money with me, as instructed by the guy I came with. If I did have money I would not have tipped you anyhow. You forgot my water.

I didn't

OhDave - Were you as turned on by the smell of hops from the Castlemaine XXXX factory as I was?

Michelle - Yes. I used to live right near that Beer factory, and I lived in a constant state of arousal.

OhDave - What do you know about Slough?

Michelle - Slough- Salt Hill- 1845: John Tawell, upon just returning from Australia, murders his lover, Sarah Hart. Dead. Poisoned with prussic acid. Fled from Slough station to Paddington. Thanks to the recent installment of the electrical telegraph, a message was sent ahead of him to Paddington. He was executed.






Wernham and Hogg - the evolution of the electrical telegraph



OhDave - What do you do when you feel lonely or depressed?

Michelle - Scribble/stab through the pages of my journal. Draw nasty little drawings. Cry bitterly. Get charged $4.95/min to speak to a phone whore (cheaper than some therapists).

OhDave - I adore Brissy. I lived in a gorgeous flat overlooking the gabba. The people were great, the weather too and the standard of living was incredible. And there's something so refreshing about a river city where it's actually used. It would definitely be in my top 3 cities in the world along with Singapore and Dublin. What do you like about Brisbane? Have you been to any other cities?








OhDave's flat in Brisbane - only £40 pw!! (The girlfriend was extra)








Michelle - A wonderful city Brisbane. Young and fresh-faced, it's carefully preened and fairly attractive. Having the river flowing through the city is nice, too. I've been to Tokyo. We drove for about an hour and we were still in the same city. Population-wise, it was insane, what a contrast from back home. A grand place; like living in the future. Although I didn't appreciate the heated toilet-seats...it felt like someone was sitting there reading the paper just before I used it.

OhDave - On a cold winter's morning I always wait til the fat guy's gone...believe me you appreciate warm cheeks over here. Anyway, as a Catholic I tend to look for child bearing hips in a woman. What do you look for in a man?

Michelle - Strength. Particularly in the hands and arms, the back. He should look capable to build a house for me.

OhDave - Would you change anything about yourself?

Michelle - Sure. I would opt for a super fast metabolism, so I could eat even more food and exercise only for fun.

OhDave - Do you crave intimacy?

Michelle - Yes.

OhDave - Do you crave validation?

Michelle - Yes.

OhDave - Do you crave chocolate?

Michelle - Not so much. I'm more of a child when it comes to cravings. I want candy.

OhDave - Finally, you love me right? I mean, you know, I'm not completely repulsive to the opposite sex, like, if you were my ex you'd still miss me right, because I'm charming and hot despite the fact I have to try and validate myself by using a blog to get nice comments from complete random strangers?

Michelle - I love you like a mother. Suckle me

OhDave - Sh*t, that's my boarding call. Thank you Michelle

Michelle - Thank you OhDave

I leave Michelle with a dejected look on her face and a bosom in her hand. If you would like to see more pictures of her breasts click here: Hot Michelle Cleo